My Story...

So, how did I get here?

I thought it would be easier to answer this question than it is. I look on other websites and the Founders have these inspirational stories about the trials and tribulations they went through that inspired them to start their businesses. They are all so...inspiring. My story feels almost too gritty to tell and there is a lot that most members of my family wouldn't even know because even though I look like I'm an open book, there is still a lot that lies hidden.

Anyway, here it goes.

I was born the eldest of five. I have three sisters and a brother. Born in 1969, my grandfather apparently named me. From the story I rememberI don't think my parents had much choice. It was declared that I would be named Amanda, Amanda Jacqueline, Jacqueline after my grandfather, Jack. I was the first grandchild in our little family. My name means "worthy to be loved". If only my parents had known what my journey was to entail with a name like that, they might have insisted that I be called something like Joy or Felicia (meaning happy). But Amanda it was to be. Obviously, the powers that be, were making sure I understood the lesson I was to learn in this lifetime.

Growing up in a small coastal town in NSW, Australia I always felt like the odd one out, although to look at me, you wouldn't have thought that those were the thoughts going around in my head. I was your prime example of a "good girl". I only talked when spoken to at school, I was diligent with my study, I wasn't running amok or pushing boundaries. I stayed in my lane, fearful of what might happen if I tried to change lanes. Now, it wasn't that my parents were strict or ruled with an iron fist. My home was actually pretty laid back when I think about how some other kids had it at home. I just had this fear that if I behaved how I wanted to behave, I wouldn't be accepted.

One of my biggest fears as a child was losing one or both of my parents. I know this is a common fear for kids but my fear was so extreme that I often felt anxious if I went on a sleep over or was away from my parents for a while. People may think I was a homebody but I was actually just terrified that I would get home and my parents would had moved or disappeared. I had this huge fear of being abandoned.

As I got older, and started high school, I realised that I really didn't fit in. I loved learning but hated school. The subjects we studied were so bloody boring and what I wanted to study was frowned upon. Even in my teens I was interested in the esoterical, not something they offered as a HSC subject. As a result, my grades slipped and I really only stayed at school because I didn't want to have to find a job, which is what my parents had threatened me with. It wasn't about the kids either. My fellow students were great and I'm friends with many of them on Facebook but I just felt like I didn't fit into any of the stereotypical groups of the 80s - the cool group (who were also usually really good at sport), the straighty 180s (studious & a little bit nerdy), the druggos (name says it all), and all of the other groups we had in high school. From my point of view, I think I was classed as a straighty 180. I was pretty nerdy, so interested in learning, but I was not studious or particularly worried about my test results, etc.

One of the things that made me feel like I didn't belong was that I saw things before they happened and I could see things that no one else could see, like people that weren't physically there. I was quite young when I realised that other kids didn't see what I saw and I remember one day asking Mum about it and she told me that I was just imagining it. I always felt restless and like I wasn't good enough, although I don't remember ever being told that specifically as a child.

Fast forward to just out of high school and I get my first serious boyfriend. Wow! That was an experience! He was an absolute ass! To put it mildly. It was a relationship filled with domestic violence, control, manipulation, cheating and fear, lots of fear. I'm not going to go into details but it put me into shock. I went from a teenager dreaming of a movie romance to being in fear for my life. I've processed the trauma that came from this relationship and even today some 37 years later, I can still sometimes feel that fear in the pit of my stomach.

This relationship was just the beginning of a string of abusive relationships. Mostly, they were emotional or mental abuse, which I think, in my experience, have left the bigger scars. Every partner I had, cheated on me, took advantage of me and abandoned me in some way. By the time I turned 40 I had, had enough. My last relationship was the final straw. It wasn't that my partner was turning out to be the same guy I had dated before; it was the fact that I had just turned 40 and my life was shit. I didn't have any of the milestones that my friends had - no wedding, no babies, no home of my own - just the broken promises made by some man who was making no secret of the fact that he was sleeping with other women. It was that relationship that sent me into a spiral of depression and anxiety, and the Universe decided to really let me have it. In the space of about 3 weeks, I lost my relationship, my job, my home, crashed my car, my Grandmother died and a close family friend passed way before her time as well. I was at rock bottom and I didn't think this time I could get myself out the hole I had dug for myself. I remember every night asking God to just take me, that everyone would be better off without me. God had other plans for me.

When I could finally think straight, I made a pact with myself that I would not have another relationship until I could fall in love with myself again. I wanted to be happy for the sake of being happy, not because I had some person in my life. So, for 5 years I worked on my trauma. Shit, there was a lot. I wanted to know why I attracted these kind of people into my life because it wasn't just my boyfriends that treated me this way but friends as well. I seemed to be everybody's fall guy, the person who got screwed when things got tough and I was fucking sick of it! Why did I always get abandoned? Why did I always feel like I had to prove I was loveable?

It was only when I had a conversation with my Mum one night that I found the cause of my abandonment and lovability issues. My Mum told me that when she went into labour with me that she was never told what would happen during labour. It was the 60s, Dad wasn't allowed in the room with Mum, my Grandmother and the Doctor had never explained to Mum about the excruciating pain she was about to experience. So, it was no surprise that when my Mother first saw me, she did not feel that first flush of love but rather saw me as something to blame her harrowing experience on. It took my Mum a while to fall "in love" with me. Whilst I was shocked to hear this story, it made perfect sense to me why I would have all these abandonment and lovability fears. Even as a new born you take in the energy around you. I worked out that it was also why I took on the role of being the "good girl" so readily. I just wanted to be loved.

Because of this, I spent the first part of my life attracting that energy to me, hence all the dumb-ass boyfriends. In that 5 years I devoted much of my time to rewriting my story and changing my beliefs to be line with who I wanted to be back then. It wasn't easy. Those stories were well read and many older members of my family did not want to give those stories up, even now in my mid 50s I can feel the pull of some of those stories, especially now Mum has passed.

Anyway, I got there. I changed my stories. I updated my beliefs and I was happy for the sake of being happy. Then wouldn't you know it. The Universe sends me my husband. My husband is the first man I have been with who has never said one derogative remark about my body. He tells me I'm beautiful, even when I'm getting prepped for surgery and I've got one of those ugly shower caps on. And rather than our marriage being about me giving and him taking, it is a fairly even spread. He has stuck by me, even in the midst of some of my darkest days when my endometriosis was out of control, when I lost another job, when my Stepfather got sick, when my Grandfather died and when my Mum died last year. He has been there through it all. We're not perfect and we argue and have our moments but at the core of it, he's a good guy.

So what stories am I working on now? I'm working on changing the story about loving myself, accepting my body with all its light and darkness (so much darkness sometimes). You see rewriting your story is a continual process because we are ever changing and really, I wouldn't want it any other way. After everything I have been through, I have learnt so much and I see other women, especially women my age who seem to be living under the stories from their childhood and I want to help them find all the parts of themselves that have been missing for so long. That's what inspired me to start Story & Stone.

Finally, I just want to say, that when I say that I want to help you get a more fulfilling and happy life, I'm not promising that it will be forever a bed of roses. Life is messy and as we change one story or belief, it brings another one to the surface to be dealt with. It is a cycle that we should be thankful for because it means we're growing and learning and that we're alive!

I hope by sharing my story, and really this is just one part of it, that you see that what I'm teaching is what I know in my core because I've been there and I've done the work and because of that you don't need to start from scratch because I've already got the tools for you that will help you rewrite your story.

Well, if you've read this far, thanks for sticking around. I know it's a rather long story but one I hope you will see exudes hope for a brighter and healthier future for us all.

Video Credit: Mikhail Nilov - Unsplash

My evolution as my story changes.

My Intention

"My intention is to help as many women as possible find the parts of themselves they have hidden or suppressed for so long. I want to help women become the truest essence of themselves and in turn create a more fulfilling and happy life. It's really all about remembering".

My Vision

My vision is create a community of women who have rewritten their stories. I want to see women of all ages and cultures uncover their authentic self and live with better health and wellbeing. I want to create inspiration and connection for women who have yet to take the leap and rewrite their story.

Photo Credit: Priscilla Du Preez - Unsplash

Photo Credit: Thought Catalog - Unsplash

Four Things You Don't Know About Me...

I am a qualified Photographer . I love how photography has taught me to look at the light in a more abstract way.

I love to knit and crochet and most of my jumpers, cardigans and socks are hand made. I have also tried my hand at spinning, yarn dyeing and designing. Photo Credit: Tim Harwood

I'm learning to draw. It's a very slow process but I am loving it. I just wish I had more time to devote to my practice.

Carnations are my favourite flower. I know they are really old fashion and most people don't like them but I absolutely love them. Photo Credit: Magda Pawluczuk - Unsplash